Promised land

Maaga pa, wala pang alas-syete. Maluwag ngayon sa MRT, nakaupo pa ‘ko. Pwedeng magmuni-muni…

Dalawa’t kalahating taon na ang nakararaan, may isang ambisyosang batang taga-Batangas ang malapit na gumradweyt ng college at nagpaplano ng kanyang magiging “career path”. Sapagkat kung anu-anong uri ng pagrampa ang ginawa nya buong college, hindi sya nakapag-focus sa pag-aaral. Dahil dito, minarapat nyang alisin muna ang opsyon na pagbo-board exam.

Dahil na rin sa angking pagka-ambisyosa, hindi sya makapapayag na maging isang payak na empleyado lamang. Dapat sosyal ang kanyang mapagtrabahuhan. Itinanong niya sa kanyang Ate Marie bago sumapit ang araw ng kanyang pagtatapos, “Ate, saan magandang magtrabaho?” At isinagot nito: “Sa BSP o PDIC.” Uy, sosyal pakinggan, pwede…

Ika-12 ng Mayo 2009, lumuwas siya ng Maynila, na may matayog na mga adhikain. Hindi nya alam kung paano mag-apply. Tinanong nya sa kanyang Ate Myrns kung paano sya makakapunta ng BSP, sabi nito, wag dun, malayo yun. Samantala, nalaman nyang dati palang empleyado ang kanyang Ate Evelyn sa agency na nagpapadala ng mga aplikante sa PDIC.

Buong kasiyahan nya itong inapplyan. Bawat nag-interview sa kanya, tinatanong sya kung ok lang daw ba sa kanya na contractual. Wala syang pakialam. Hindi nya kasi alam ang buong ibig sabihin nun. Natanggap sya at nagsimulang magtrabaho ika-21 ng Mayo 2009.

Doon pala magsisimulang gumuho ang kanyang mga pangarap (exaj). Masaya sa office, doon nya nakilala ang isang napakabait na boss, at mga mabubuting kaibigan. Masaya ang kwentuhan pag lunch at merienda time. Yun nga lang, kabilang sya dun sa limang piso lang ang higit sa minimum ang sweldo, “no-work-no-pay”, walang benefits. Ang trabaho, masaya kapag kaharap sina Word at Excel sa computer. Pero minsan din, taga-photocopy o taga-imbentaryo ng mga kahon-kahong dokumento. Well, hindi naman big deal sa kanya ang pera at hindi naman sya maarte sa trabaho, masakit lang sa pride.

Bago pa lamang sya sa kanyang walk with God nung mga panahong yun. Noon nya nakilala ang isang kaibigan na itago natin sa pangalang Ate Joy. Turning 21 on the 21st sya nun at isa syang hopeless case. Ma-pride, madaling ma-offend, self-centered, kuripot, injanera, etc (2many2mention). Pero hindi matatawaran ang patience ni Ate Joy sa kanya. Hindi nya ito tinigilan sa pagbibigay ng encouragements, sa paggabay upang magbasa ng Bible, matutong magtiwala sa Panginoon, at higit sa lahat, magdasal. Sinabi nya ring God is a "fulfiller of dreams".

Pagkaraan ng mahigit isang taon, nagdasal sya and she tried to seek kung anong plano ni God para sa kanya. Naghanap sya ng bagong trabaho at nag-apply kung saan saan.

Hindi nya nalimutan si BSP. Itago natin ito sa tawag na Boy Scouts of the Philippines, lol.

Nagtingin sya sa website ng mga bakanteng posisyon at buong tapang na pumunta doon dala-dala ang isang envelope na naglalaman ng mga application papers. Hinarang pa sya ng lalake sa gate na may nakasuksok na malaking armalayt sa bewang. Pagkatapos ng ilang oras na pagkaligaw at pagtatanong, narating din nya si HR para iabot ang envelope.

Nang pauwi na sya, sakay sa bus, nagduda sya kung mapapansin kaya ang envelope na iyon. Subalit sa halip na manghinayang sa effort, nagdasal sya at sinabing, Lord, let Your will be done.

Nagkasunod sunod ang tawag ng mga inapplyan nya. Pero for some reasons, sa tawag ng PCFC sya nahikayat. Nag exam sya, apat na interviews, then laking kagalakan nya nang sabihin ni HR na pasado na sya at pwede na magreport anytime. Yes! Matatakasan na nya ang buhay contractual. Pumasok sya doon ika-21 ng Setyembre 2010, clueless kung ano namang uri ng buhay ang kakaharapin.

Pagkatapos ng ilang linggong adjustments, masaya sya sa bagong workplace, sa mga kaibigang natagpuan, sa mga katrabaho sa paligid, maging sa mga benefits tulad ng gift checks at bigas buwan-buwan na nagpapasaya sa kanyang ina. PS. Doon nya din natutunan kung paano bumangon ala-Miriam Quiambao kapag nadapa (literal). Komportable sya sa simplisidad ng buhay sa opisinang iyon. 

Hanggang isang araw, isang tawag ang gumimbal sa nananahimik na sana nyang mundo. Makaraan ang mahigit isang taon, napansin ang kanyang envelope. Tumawag si Boy Scouts of the Philippines.

“Arriving at Araneta-Cubao station…” Ngak! Babaan na pala!

I combed my usually unruly hair and put some lipstick on while at the bus, so as to at least look like a normal employee. I entered BSP premises, praying for a smooth day ahead of me. Everyday, as I log in at the biostation, I would always acknowledge that it is only by God’s amazing grace that I am here.

I remember a verse in the Bible wherein Joshua said “…You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the Lord your God gave you has failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed.” Joshua 23:14

Yes, I am a testimony that our God who fulfilled His promises to His people yesterday is still the same faithful God today and forever. There may be times that we doubt. There may be times that we don’t understand what’s happening in our lives. There may be times that we are already tired of waiting. But these are the times when our faith is tested; it’s our call for us to trust in Him at all circumstances.

After that out-of-nowhere call from BSP, it took another half a year to finish the hiring process. And during those times when I was already losing the patience to wait, and I was already planning to settle in my "Egypt", I came across this verse while reading the Bible: “I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:13-14

What are you waiting for right now? It may not be in the area of your career. It may be waiting for breakthroughs in finances. It may be waiting for relationships to be fixed. Seek what God is teaching you at all seasons in your life. Trust in God’s perfect will* and perfect timing.

When I landed on my first job, I didn’t know what I was doing there. Until it dawned on me that it is where God broke down my pride and taught me how to be humble; I am a nobody apart from His goodness. It was also where I learned how to relate and build relationships with people from all walks of life.

On my second job, He taught me how to magnify His name in all that I do. It was where I learned to stand for my faith. It was where I started to find joy in sharing God’s Word and the stories that He has faithfully woven in my life. In my thirteen months of stay there, God just worked a lot in me and through me.

Was it by mere luck that now, I am at my promised land? No. When I met Jesus, I’ve never believed in chances or coincidences anymore. Nothing happens by luck. Everything happens by God’s plan, for His purpose.

Same questions were being asked to me, time and again, “Are you an Ateneo or La Salle or UP graduate? Or did you graduate Cum Laude?” My answer is No. I am just a humble servant of God who seeks His purpose for my life and who believes that with God, nothing is impossible; I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

“Did I have a backer?” My answer is yes. I’ve got the biggest backer of all: my loving Heavenly Father.

          *Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2

Last voucher

I was fixing the things at my table. Loose papers were put at the right places. My plate and tumbler were thrown at my bag to be brought back home. My personal files at the PC were cut and pasted to a flash drive... My heart was breaking. That area has been my comfort zone for some time now.

I could still remember my first day at this office. I entered a room labelled "Controllership", with much uncertainty. I did not know what to expect with my new work. I was not sure with the kinds of people I'll be working with.

The first few weeks were, of course, time for adjustments. (I messed up a bit, 'grin). But before I knew it, I found home.

It is just a small office made up of great people. I love everyone from the top management up to the utility personnel. Though often, there are demands at work, everyday is chill for me. I stayed there just for a year and a month, but such a short time was made up of beautiful memories I will forever cherish...

Everyday, I would come to the office running for my breath just to reach the 8:15 log-in. Relieving when I make it, distressing when I don't. But whenever I see this very simple spot at the entrance, my day always starts right.

I will miss these stuff which have been my partners for more than a year... my telephone, my printer, and my flat screen...

loc.202

for forms and registers

birdie c/o sir jeff

Plus the bloopers of a co-worker, who happened to be a shy-type, so I'd rather not elaborate on the details... 'wink.

folder label: notice/meeting of meetings

email: please see to the attached

tiki takes a bath, grrr

Plus of course, the fun at the Controllership Department with Ma'am Nievs and Ma'am Jacq... I appreciate everything that I learned from them about work, about pregnancy and motherhood. #1 in the list: proper grooming, #2: always pose like a model, #3: marry early! lol. P.S. We're supposed to be four here, so I think you just have to guess to whom the shoulder beside me belongs.

Plus my lunchmates, who, are the reasons why, because of our daily desserts, I've developed a tooth for sweets!

at yakimix

at hapchan

at larry's

Plus a super unforgettable retro dance number with my fellow new employees...

Plus the idea to write and share God's Word through blogging, after I read Ms. Maya's blogpost: smittenmissmaya.blogspot.com/2011/03/love-matters-most.

Plus the beautiful privilege to pray during certain events. I often pray at a small group, but never at a crowd of 70-80 people, holding a microphone. But nonetheless, the gift of prayer, whenever I sleep at night or after I wake up in the morning or before I have my meal, at myself or at a small group or at a big crowd, never fails to give me a sense of delight.

People tend to come and go from one place to another. But there's no such thing as accidents. It was not an accident that I've been in PCFC from September 21, 2010 to October 24, 2011, so as other employees who came and left after a while. It was according to God's plan. I just hope and pray that in such a short time of my stay there, I was able to serve my purpose and I have touched some of the lives there, the way they have touched mine.

I may not be able to pray anymore whenever there's an occasion, but my prayers for the company, for the employees and for their families, will remain. 

I pray that God will continue to bless PCFC and He will work in the employees' hearts. Everyday, may they find joy and passion in working not just for men, but for God*. I pray that the company will be Christ-centered, bound by service and love for God and for other people.

I'm not a fan of farewells, but let me take this chance to say, from the bottom of my heart: Thank you for everything, PCFC. It was such a blessing to be a part of the company and to be able to meet its wonderful employees. And as I said, my presence may not be there anymore, but my prayers for you will go on...

          *Whatever you do, work at it will all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. Collosians 3:23-24

About the poet

my college life = my pen + my calculator

Marites A. Guico is currently (an exhausted) Accountancy student, at the same time, the editor in chief of Phoenix, official student publication of Lyceum of the Philippines University - Batangas.

She is a consistent winner in regional and Luzonwide press conferences since her freshman year in college. Her winnings include:

Regional Higher Education Press Conference

• 1st place Copyreading and Headline Writing AY 2005-06
• 2nd place Copyreading and Headline Writing AY 2006-07
• 4th place Poetry Writing AY 2006-07
• 2nd place Copyreading and Headline Writing AY 2007-08
• 6th place News Writing AY 2007-08

Luzonwide Higher Education Press Conference

• 1st place Copyreading and Headline Writing AY 2005-06
• 3rd place Copyreading and Headline Writing AY 2007-08

She is also the editor in chief of JPIAn Exclusive, official student publication of the College of Business Administration for two consecutive years and general secretary of Junior Philippine Institute of Accountants (JPIA) during her junior year.

Marites also actively participates in schoolwide contests. She was hailed as finalist in the Math-Sci Prodigy Quiz, as sponsored by the General Education department, AY 2006-07. She won second place in the Interview Contest, also during the GE days, AY 2007-08. Moreover, she was a member of the Debating Team which secured the championship in the recently held Mission Statement Awareness Week, AY 2008-09.

She finished high school in University of Batangas, wherein she was the managing editor of Westernian Pioneer, official student publication of the same school. She was also a consistent winner during the division schools press conferences. Her winnings include:

• 1st place Copyreading and Headline Writing AY 2003-04
• 2nd place Copyreading and Headline Writing AY 2004-05
• 9th place News Writing AY 2004-05

She won 2nd place in an essay writing contest sponsored by the Sangguniang Kabataan and was awarded Outstanding in School Paper, AY 2004-05.

Marites spent her elementary days in San Miguel Elementary School where she was consistent first honor. She graduated Valedictorian, and she also received the Edgar L. Mendoza Award for Academic Excellence.

Gee Martin, August 14, 2008

I wrote this 3 years ago for the inside back cover of the "Compilation of Poems" I made, and as I read it, I could just smile in disbelief.

I was like collecting credentials before! All throughout school days, I was thinking of my resume, how it would look like, what (and how much) I'll put there. Yes, I used to assess my value through my accomplishments.

I never really planned to be a writer. It just happened. All I know is that even at a young age, I can't express myself better than when I'm holding a pen.

Before I knew it, my pen has already brought me to various contests, where I got to know (and I felt like I belong to) smart people at my age. Then it has brought me to the stage, where I was being congratulated, applauded, and admired. It felt good.

And since it dawned on me that I excel in that area, plus I was enjoying it, I banked on it as my strength. It made me feel significant, that I'm not any other ordinary student, that I belong to the roster of achievers at the campus.

The innocent intention of my pen to express, turned into a desire to impress. I enjoyed the "glory of the by-line" whenever my articles are being published. I enjoyed being known, and my works being read. And slowly, it stole my posture of humility. Pride crept in me.

Upon graduation, naturally, I also graduated in campus journalism. I didn't want to have it as my profession, since I arrogantly wanted to prove that somehow, I am versatile. Pride. I had so high hopes for myself. I was determined to continue collecting credentials and prove that I am not a nobody.

And so when God touched my stubborn heart, one issue that I had a hard time dealing with is my already full-blown pride, especially when I would encounter verses in the Bible that directly speaks about it. ...That is why Scripture says: "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." (James 4:6)

But God is forever faithful. He slowly removed my self-absorption that prevented me from really marveling in His greatness. He revealed more of Himself to me, that I may focus less on my ego. "When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom." (Proverbs 11:2)

One day, I was organizing my closet and I saw the various-shaped medals and various-sized certificates that used to be very precious to me. I have come to realize that yes, they gave me happiness, but not joy. Having them was fulfilling, but only temporarily. They are a big part of me, but they do not totally define who I am.

Then I heard a beautiful song "Who Am I". I actually put the lyrics as the "About Me" in my facebook page. The song tells us that no matter how small we are in this world, we are valuable in God's eyes, not because of who we are and what we've done, but because of who He is and what He has done on the Cross. (Please watch the following video).

 

Now, do I mean that the gift, which God has blessed me with, will just be useless? Shall I just take it for granted? No. Because the pen which had stolen my posture of humility is the same pen that I'm gonna use, not to boast* about myself and my accomplishments anymore, but to exalt the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

From now until forever, I am still on to accomplishing many great things, but not for myself already... but for God's glory.

          *Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord." (1 Corinthians 1:31)

Huwad na makata

Nakakabingi

…ang panghuhusga, ang mga halakhak

Nagsimula ang lahat sa isang pangarap

sa ilang gusot na papel at tinta

umungkat sa isip ng mga salita

ikinumpas ang lapis na hawak

Subalit nabuong mga tugma’y

tila salat sa kahulugan

walang damdaming nakalapat

HUWAD!

Pagkatao’y puno ng pagpapanggap

Buyo na sa papuri

Bingi na sa paghanga

“Magaling kang makata.”

Sa pagnanais na makawala sa ekspektasyon at kahihiyan

Isang musika’y pilit pinakinggan

Lumihis sa mundo ng kasinungalingan

Hindi ininda ang lungkot ng pag-iisa

Ngayon, musika’y unti-unting namagas

Mundong pinuntaha’y kumupas

Bumalik ang reyalidad na tinakbuhan

Ngunit prinsipyo ang pinairal:

“Kaya kong tapusin ang aking tula!”

Subalit paano mo wawakasan

Ang isang tulang walang simula?

April 3, 2003

Published Westernian Pioneer folio

SY 2004-05

Recently, headlines about a 13-year-old boy who shot himself after shooting a 16 year-old friend in a mall in Pampanga, captured public attention.

Well, it's a very sensitive issue and I definitely wouldn't want to go deep into the details. I'm sure everybody has at least an idea about it.

What happened may seem very absurd, but yes, it's real. At all seasons in a person's life, we go through different circumstances that test our character; I believe the 12-16 year-old bracket is one of the most critical stages. And I base this not only on observation, but also on personal experience.

"Huwad na Makata" has been my all-time favorite. I composed it when I was in high school, while I was so young and naive. And I will always regard it as the piece which started my journey in poetry, and the piece which witnessed how curious, how vulnerable, and how lost I was at that age.

Age 12-16 is actually the time when we start to step out of childhood and enter maturity. And I just learned later on that the loss that I felt during that time is what they call "identity crisis".

Wikipedia says "identity crisis" is the stage of adolescence when we are faced with physical growth, sexual maturation, and integrating our ideas of ourselves and about what others think of us.

During that time, all I remember is that I had no one to openly talk to about certain things that I am confused of. I didn't know where to go. I underwent peer pressure. I didn't know if I'll be the goody-goody geek or the cool bad girl that seemed so "in". (I guess I chose to stay at the middle). I didn't know if I should try some stuff that was being tried by people at my age. (I was afraid of the consequences, so I didn't). I didn't know in which group will I be with: the well-known group of "saucy" girls, or the insignificant shy-types' group. I didn't know where to get substance and acceptance.

And I suppose this scenario is not unique for me; this is the scenario that most, if not all 12-16 year-old's encounter.

But as it is written... "Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:30-31). 

Now, you have an idea where this text is going... yes, to Jesus. He is all that the young people need.

We celebrated Teacher Kirth's birthday at Victory Malate Kids Church.

www.victory.org.ph

I so love it whenever I see young people at our Kids Church, who as young as they are, are being fed by the Word of God. They play, they dance, they sing, and they shout the love of Jesus.*

Well, it doesn't mean that merely because they attend Sunday school, their lives will be perfect and they are free from the troubles in this world. My heart just leaps in joy whenever I think that these kids, as they grow up, will not have a worry-free life, but a worry-proof one because as they continue to walk with God, they will have Him as the foundation of their life...

As a children's song says: "The wise man built his house upon a rock." Shame on me, but I thought it was just any other nursery song, until I read this in the Bible:

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash." (Matthew 7:24-27)

The former is my dream for every kid I see around. It is my prayer for my nephews and for my sons and daughters to be... That at a young age, they would know the love of Jesus, and as they grow up, they will be wise to build their life on a strong foundation: that is the Word of God.

My nephews, Marius and Marion.

With that, they would no longer look for love and acceptance anywhere else, they would not be lost and confused with who they really are, because they would know that their identity is not in this world, but in Jesus Christ.

          *Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14

Goodbye, cheeseburger

They call this heaven's gift:

Three heavy layers of thick bellies,
And two round cheeks that shamelessly swell
From the hard pinches of invisible harsh fingers.

Weak,

And scared
I despise the waterbed that cracks when I conceal
Pails of tears
And I long for maniac's wolf whistles
When everytime my shoes touch the streets
With my head in the deepest of my neck
A behemoth of mockery
Eats the tiniest of my intestines.

Grrr (twice)

If this is a gift from heaven
For Pete's sake
I am not as insensitive as the fattest fish in the Pacific
Even the fattest of pigs need a heart that cares
So pin a thumb tack in my second chin

Before I bid farewell,
To my favorite cheeseburger. 

Submitted for Analects VII, 2007

PS. One of my elder sisters, who happened to be --errr-- chubby, was my main inspiration for writing this. She has always told herself that she will already have a strict diet, but up to this date, she hasn't started yet.

"Goodbye, cheeseburger" is a poem I made in 2007, which I passed to my editor to be published supposedly in our literary folio back then. My editor unfortunately dumped it, saying the poem is too "selfish". Maybe he was right, maybe he was not.

This poem exaggeratedly, but actually talks about me. It talks about you. It talks about us, who are too conscious and discontented with how we look, with who we are.

Well, we can't be blamed for feeling such. Everyday, the society assaults us with images of men and women in televisions and magazines, which is the world's portrait of beauty. 

But the truth is, even before we are at our mother's womb, God already knew every detail about us. He knew the shape of our nose and the color of our skin. He knew if we are fat or skinny. He knew if we are short as David or tall as Goliath. He knew if we are good at Math or not. He knew if we are the shy-type or the aggressive-type. He knew if we have voice that belongs to the concert stage or voice that belongs to the CR.

We may not look so pleasing in others' (and in our own) mirror, but in God's eyes, we are His beautiful creation. And unless we are going to bear that in mind, we really couldn't help but compare ourselves to others and be unsatisfied with who we are.

The point is, I hope we will be careful with how we care about our body (and that includes being careful with what we eat) (and that includes eating too much cheeseburger) not because we are too displeased with how we look, but because we would want to honor and take good care of the body* that God has blessed us with. 

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." (1Corinthians 10:17) 

...which I am also guilty of. Well, I am not so into pork and processed meat. I could avoid too much sweets (just when it's too much). I am very fond of eating fruits and vegetables (when they are readily available on my table). I'd rather walk (for exercise) than ride in a taxi. I do not drink alcohol. I do not smoke.

But there is just one I find hard to resist: junk foods. Especially while at the office, I'd always love a bag of junk beside me on my table. I'd enjoy every salty bite but after the last piece, I'd be so guilty, I'd feel like I'm literally putting junk in my body. Good thing there's a medically-accepted instant remedy: I drink a lot of water (as much water as my stomach could contain) afterwards.
 

And good thing as of last medical exam, I've not yet grown a kidney stone or urinary tract infection! (But that, of course, doesn't give me the license to continue my chichiria-addiction).

Realization: We wake up everyday, alive and kicking. That, alone, is such a big blessing, which makes Him deserve our wholehearted praises and thanksgiving. Let's not ruin our body that God has graciously given.

Bid farewell now to your favorite cheeseburger! `wink.

          *Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. 1Corinthians 6:19-20

Verses' vengeance

Mystical the turns and twists of the winds and waves are, for

A feeble duckling of once upon a time’s bittersweet fable:

Revived

Ignoring the pain of goodbyes

Though tears flood in the heart, though not a drop of rain understands

Escape the past, forget the scars left by the ogres’ laughs – cease

Stirring the odds and start reminiscing the meanness of once upon a time!

Alright, yesterday’s triumph is all yours. But the last silent hoot shall be mine.

Stay and get burnt, or leave and get drenched by my readied revenge

I shall leave no trace of pity, not a hint of mercy. To nobody.

Grief and fear and futility, my stomach has endured – through

Uttered and acted mockery. The duckling has craved for reverence, but found herself

Isolated, in the midst of shame, of disgrace, of infamy. Now:

Call the sanest of saints, for even the nicest of angels has limits!

Ogres have no place in my system. So long. Trolls.

June 28, 2008, 2110H

my CP wallpaper back then

Way back school paper days, when we were brainstorming for our literary folio, we came across this kind of poetry in which the first letter of each line spells out a certain word or phrase. It's called "acrostic poem" and I found it very nice.

I then came up with an idea to create an acrostic poem that bears my whole name. But of course, I will not flaunt it for readers' consumption, for personal gratification only. I planned to make a poem that will reflect who I am and express how I feel. A poem that will not pretend, a poem that is transparent.

And presto! The outcome was disaster. Though I (intentionally) used highfalutin words, any average reader would be certain that I was mad with the world when I wrote that.

Exaggerated though, but that was the time when I realized that I was not worth anything. I felt like I was betrayed by people whom I trust. I felt like nobody loves me and cares for me. My heart was full of hatred.

I hated the bullies in school. I hated those who made me apple of their eyes whenever it's joke time. I hated some of my friends when I realized that all along, they are not laughing "with" me, they are laughing "at" me. And I hated myself for allowing them to do those things to me. As a cheery, happy-go-lucky person that I was, I even naively enjoyed it. Until a person told me straight to my face one day "Is it really okay for you to always be an object of ridicule?"

I didn't mind it at once, but I had come to my boiling point when I heard that a senior of mine in the publication that time was hesitant to entrust to me the leadership of the organization not because of lack of ability, but because he doubts if I'll be respected by my subordinates-to-be.

I had come to my senses. I told myself I didn't deserve them, these people and how they see me as a mere laughingstock. I didn't need them in my life. I isolated myself from them and tried to be a different person - a detached, stern editor-in-chief. I was angry.

There goes the story behind "Verses' vengeance". (I was thinking that even just by scribbling this poem, I could comfort myself and promise revenge* to those who have done me wrong. Silly, huh.) But the story doesn't end just yet.

I was isolated from my friends. I seldom talk to people. I was not the easygoing person as I was before. I was no longer everybody's laughingstock. But I was still not happy.

Then one night, when I felt like nothing's going right, I remembered the words of a friend. He said our heart is like a vacuum. No matter what you put in there like fame, material riches, recognition, great job, good pals, etc, it will never really be contented. Only Jesus Christ satisfies a person's heart.

For 20 years, I have lived my life all by myself. But that time, I felt so helpless, I came to Him, and humbly acknowledged how much I needed Him.

Slowly, He took away the bitterness that almost made my heart stone. He freed me from all the pain and anger that I felt. He taught me to forgive... forgive myself and forgive other people. I also learned that forgiveness is two-way: I had to put off all the anger and put on love for them in my heart.

It was not an easy process though. It took denials and tears and eating my pride. But after all, it was worth it.

Now, I could just look at anyone with a light heart and a smile, because God has healed and renewed my heart. There may still be hard times with hard people, but Jesus said "forgive 77 times."

And looking back, I believe everything happened for a purpose, His purpose. First, so that I may always clothe myself with humility (Colossians 3:12), and second, so that I may pass on to others the comfort that I have received from God (2Corinthians 1:3-4).

My "verses' vengeance" experience may not be your story. It's actually a so shallow story for some; you may just roll an eyeball about it. But I believe, most of us, in one way or another, had been done wrong by other people. Everyone is keeping some pain or bitterness in his/her heart.

Are you ready to be freed? Are you ready to put off the hatred and put on love for them? Are you ready to forgive not once, not twice, but 77 times? Are you ready to be healed and renewed? Let go and let God...

          *Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD. Leviticus 19:18