Verses' vengeance

Mystical the turns and twists of the winds and waves are, for

A feeble duckling of once upon a time’s bittersweet fable:

Revived

Ignoring the pain of goodbyes

Though tears flood in the heart, though not a drop of rain understands

Escape the past, forget the scars left by the ogres’ laughs – cease

Stirring the odds and start reminiscing the meanness of once upon a time!

Alright, yesterday’s triumph is all yours. But the last silent hoot shall be mine.

Stay and get burnt, or leave and get drenched by my readied revenge

I shall leave no trace of pity, not a hint of mercy. To nobody.

Grief and fear and futility, my stomach has endured – through

Uttered and acted mockery. The duckling has craved for reverence, but found herself

Isolated, in the midst of shame, of disgrace, of infamy. Now:

Call the sanest of saints, for even the nicest of angels has limits!

Ogres have no place in my system. So long. Trolls.

June 28, 2008, 2110H

my CP wallpaper back then

Way back school paper days, when we were brainstorming for our literary folio, we came across this kind of poetry in which the first letter of each line spells out a certain word or phrase. It's called "acrostic poem" and I found it very nice.

I then came up with an idea to create an acrostic poem that bears my whole name. But of course, I will not flaunt it for readers' consumption, for personal gratification only. I planned to make a poem that will reflect who I am and express how I feel. A poem that will not pretend, a poem that is transparent.

And presto! The outcome was disaster. Though I (intentionally) used highfalutin words, any average reader would be certain that I was mad with the world when I wrote that.

Exaggerated though, but that was the time when I realized that I was not worth anything. I felt like I was betrayed by people whom I trust. I felt like nobody loves me and cares for me. My heart was full of hatred.

I hated the bullies in school. I hated those who made me apple of their eyes whenever it's joke time. I hated some of my friends when I realized that all along, they are not laughing "with" me, they are laughing "at" me. And I hated myself for allowing them to do those things to me. As a cheery, happy-go-lucky person that I was, I even naively enjoyed it. Until a person told me straight to my face one day "Is it really okay for you to always be an object of ridicule?"

I didn't mind it at once, but I had come to my boiling point when I heard that a senior of mine in the publication that time was hesitant to entrust to me the leadership of the organization not because of lack of ability, but because he doubts if I'll be respected by my subordinates-to-be.

I had come to my senses. I told myself I didn't deserve them, these people and how they see me as a mere laughingstock. I didn't need them in my life. I isolated myself from them and tried to be a different person - a detached, stern editor-in-chief. I was angry.

There goes the story behind "Verses' vengeance". (I was thinking that even just by scribbling this poem, I could comfort myself and promise revenge* to those who have done me wrong. Silly, huh.) But the story doesn't end just yet.

I was isolated from my friends. I seldom talk to people. I was not the easygoing person as I was before. I was no longer everybody's laughingstock. But I was still not happy.

Then one night, when I felt like nothing's going right, I remembered the words of a friend. He said our heart is like a vacuum. No matter what you put in there like fame, material riches, recognition, great job, good pals, etc, it will never really be contented. Only Jesus Christ satisfies a person's heart.

For 20 years, I have lived my life all by myself. But that time, I felt so helpless, I came to Him, and humbly acknowledged how much I needed Him.

Slowly, He took away the bitterness that almost made my heart stone. He freed me from all the pain and anger that I felt. He taught me to forgive... forgive myself and forgive other people. I also learned that forgiveness is two-way: I had to put off all the anger and put on love for them in my heart.

It was not an easy process though. It took denials and tears and eating my pride. But after all, it was worth it.

Now, I could just look at anyone with a light heart and a smile, because God has healed and renewed my heart. There may still be hard times with hard people, but Jesus said "forgive 77 times."

And looking back, I believe everything happened for a purpose, His purpose. First, so that I may always clothe myself with humility (Colossians 3:12), and second, so that I may pass on to others the comfort that I have received from God (2Corinthians 1:3-4).

My "verses' vengeance" experience may not be your story. It's actually a so shallow story for some; you may just roll an eyeball about it. But I believe, most of us, in one way or another, had been done wrong by other people. Everyone is keeping some pain or bitterness in his/her heart.

Are you ready to be freed? Are you ready to put off the hatred and put on love for them? Are you ready to forgive not once, not twice, but 77 times? Are you ready to be healed and renewed? Let go and let God...

          *Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD. Leviticus 19:18