Wonderfully made

It’s celebration mood at our house. At the kitchen, my mother is describing (in detail, if I may say) with her “amigas” how she went up at the stage together with my sister to receive her heavy medal. At the living room, one of my Ates is laughing hard with the candid shots as she browses the graduation pictures at the PC. At the terrace, my father seems to be happily entertaining the guests who come in. At the kubo, my sister is with her guests, her high school friends. And I am in nothingness, reflecting.

Amy, my youngest sister, graduated Cum Laude in Lyceum of the Philippines University – Batangas with her degree BS Medical Technology , Batch 2010-2011.

We grew up together. We are six, and I and Amy happened to be the youngest. We’ve been playmates, we’ve been friends, we’ve been enemies. We sometimes laugh together, we often quarrel, we fight, we talk, we snob each other.

We grew up just like that. We have few things in common, but all in all, we are each other’s exact opposite. Just like a cat and a dog. I’m the cat and she’s the dog. I’ll be the one to start a fight, but more often than not, I’ll be the first one to quit and run, and even cry.

While we were young, she has always been the crowd’s darling. It’s like she has this little pretty face, that whenever she smiles, she captures the heart of everyone around. She also talks so much. And it’s like whenever she talks, everyone laughs.

I was the quiet type. And during those times, I was in one corner and it felt like nobody notices me. I felt like she’s worth all the attention, I was not. I was alone. I felt rejected.

While we were growing old, more differences manifested in us. She likes Science, I don’t. I like English, she doesn’t. I want going to places I’m not familiar with, she’s afraid to get lost. She is very particular with how she looks and what she wears, I am not.  She has this sophisticated taste with clothes and shoes and bags, I don’t. She is very organized with her closet, I am not.

And all the while, I felt like, though I am older, she is always superior over me. Which is also maybe why, I grew up insecure not only of her, but also of other people who has the same strong personality as hers. I then hungered for accomplishments, to be recognized by other people.

Until when I was at the brink of falling down, when I felt like I was such a big failure, that no matter how hard I try and no matter what I do, I am not worth it (details in my upcoming blogs), God showed Himself up. That moment, when I was in one corner, alone, and feeling like nobody cares, He held me in His arms, and for the first time in my life, I dropped down to my knees and broke down in helpless tears. I realized what has been missing all my life... God.

That was also the time when He spoke to me that I don’t have to be another person, I just have to be me. He assured me that He loves me for who I am. He reminded me that He is the One who created me*, and whatever “lack” I feel, He could fill it up with His love and His presence in my life. That’s the only time that I have learned to appreciate myself for who I am – the only time that I have felt worthy – worthy to be loved, worthy to be cared for.

Then I have learned to outgrow my insecurities, and whenever I am being reminded of my inferiorities, I just learn to see myself the way God sees me – a precious child He dearly loves.

Now my Ate is done browsing the photos. She is already watching the video of Amy’s speech. I sat with her in front of the PC, and also watched the video. Then I realized that the once pretty little face whose smile could capture the heart of everyone around, has now turned into a smart, beautiful lady with poise and elegance. I was dazed – this time, not with resentment, but with appreciation. I can’t help but smile and admire her.

This is the little girl I have grown up with. I hope she knows the impact she has made in my life. We still and will always have the big differences, but despite these, I just realized how much I love her and how proud I am of her.

I just thank God for blessing me with such a wonderful sister. Now that we are grown-ups, she is still the crowd’s darling. And I happily belong in the crowd. I just hope she also sees herself the way God sees her – a precious child He dearly loves.

          *For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalms 139:13-14