Wonderfully made

It’s celebration mood at our house. At the kitchen, my mother is describing (in detail, if I may say) with her “amigas” how she went up at the stage together with my sister to receive her heavy medal. At the living room, one of my Ates is laughing hard with the candid shots as she browses the graduation pictures at the PC. At the terrace, my father seems to be happily entertaining the guests who come in. At the kubo, my sister is with her guests, her high school friends. And I am in nothingness, reflecting.

Amy, my youngest sister, graduated Cum Laude in Lyceum of the Philippines University – Batangas with her degree BS Medical Technology , Batch 2010-2011.

We grew up together. We are six, and I and Amy happened to be the youngest. We’ve been playmates, we’ve been friends, we’ve been enemies. We sometimes laugh together, we often quarrel, we fight, we talk, we snob each other.

We grew up just like that. We have few things in common, but all in all, we are each other’s exact opposite. Just like a cat and a dog. I’m the cat and she’s the dog. I’ll be the one to start a fight, but more often than not, I’ll be the first one to quit and run, and even cry.

While we were young, she has always been the crowd’s darling. It’s like she has this little pretty face, that whenever she smiles, she captures the heart of everyone around. She also talks so much. And it’s like whenever she talks, everyone laughs.

I was the quiet type. And during those times, I was in one corner and it felt like nobody notices me. I felt like she’s worth all the attention, I was not. I was alone. I felt rejected.

While we were growing old, more differences manifested in us. She likes Science, I don’t. I like English, she doesn’t. I want going to places I’m not familiar with, she’s afraid to get lost. She is very particular with how she looks and what she wears, I am not.  She has this sophisticated taste with clothes and shoes and bags, I don’t. She is very organized with her closet, I am not.

And all the while, I felt like, though I am older, she is always superior over me. Which is also maybe why, I grew up insecure not only of her, but also of other people who has the same strong personality as hers. I then hungered for accomplishments, to be recognized by other people.

Until when I was at the brink of falling down, when I felt like I was such a big failure, that no matter how hard I try and no matter what I do, I am not worth it (details in my upcoming blogs), God showed Himself up. That moment, when I was in one corner, alone, and feeling like nobody cares, He held me in His arms, and for the first time in my life, I dropped down to my knees and broke down in helpless tears. I realized what has been missing all my life... God.

That was also the time when He spoke to me that I don’t have to be another person, I just have to be me. He assured me that He loves me for who I am. He reminded me that He is the One who created me*, and whatever “lack” I feel, He could fill it up with His love and His presence in my life. That’s the only time that I have learned to appreciate myself for who I am – the only time that I have felt worthy – worthy to be loved, worthy to be cared for.

Then I have learned to outgrow my insecurities, and whenever I am being reminded of my inferiorities, I just learn to see myself the way God sees me – a precious child He dearly loves.

Now my Ate is done browsing the photos. She is already watching the video of Amy’s speech. I sat with her in front of the PC, and also watched the video. Then I realized that the once pretty little face whose smile could capture the heart of everyone around, has now turned into a smart, beautiful lady with poise and elegance. I was dazed – this time, not with resentment, but with appreciation. I can’t help but smile and admire her.

This is the little girl I have grown up with. I hope she knows the impact she has made in my life. We still and will always have the big differences, but despite these, I just realized how much I love her and how proud I am of her.

I just thank God for blessing me with such a wonderful sister. Now that we are grown-ups, she is still the crowd’s darling. And I happily belong in the crowd. I just hope she also sees herself the way God sees her – a precious child He dearly loves.

          *For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalms 139:13-14

Love life

It was the 23rd birthday of a special someone last April 25. I prepared a mini-party for him, and we celebrated it with so much fun and so much Love. While browsing the photos, I just realized how my idea of Love had changed as years passed.

Before, when I was still waiting for the person, who's the one for me, to come along, I thought Love is all about receiving. But I came to understand that Love is more than just that. Love is selfless; it's not about taking. Love is all about giving.
 

Just like the Love* that God has for us.In His Word, "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." 1John 4:8-10
 
This made me remember a poem which was my birthday gift to him last year. I'd like to share it with you. This poem is very dear to me because it talks about my Love story not only with him, but also with Him.

In curious innocence, I was all the while wandering…

Looking for life I cannot find, love I cannot feel
Over and over again I stumble, I fail, I drown in pain
Vintage of sorrow, of silent sobs, of longing heart resided behind my smiles
Empty life it had been, empty air I had been breathing.

         Until out of the blue, I found what seemed like
        two decades of what I’ve been subconsciously seeking for
        I saw a dying man at the cross
        willingly enduring great pain to wash away my sins – 
        all out of God’s gracious love and loving grace…

Years of meaningless living have suddenly blurred 

         and I learned to yoke my past burdens to my Savior and Lord
Outpouring my grief, my joys, my dreams, my secret fears,
         the weaknesses that I have tried all along to hide
Unto God, all of these, all my life, I have learned to entrust…

Maybe I was indeed so blessed
         that as the truth splashed before me and as I was embracing a whole new life
         I noticed the man whom God used, on purpose, to touch my stubborn heart
A man whose faith full of zeal and I have all the while admired 

         the perfect semblance of a gentleman – 

         the sincerity of the sweet voice, the depth of the honest eyes
Yesterday’s reservations slowly vanished, yesterday’s ghosts died
New and wonderfully fresh feelings sprung in my timid heart
A kind of love that I wanted, love that I needed,
          a kind of love that I have dreamt all my life
Realigning then my heart from fears and doubts into faith and trust,
Dominant now in my life are love, joy, peace, and contentment

          Having God as my first Love… 

          and having Maynard as a generous gift from God,
        who was perfectly designed to be my friend, the man I will always admire, 

          my love, my spiritual partner, my husband…

        Dear, you are the perfect gentleman to whom I will forever entrust my heart;
        the perfect Love that I will forever cherish, next to God…
 
If there's one thing that I have learned during those times, when I was searching for my "one true Love," I realized I could not find it anywhere else - it's on the Cross. Nobody could ever Love us the way Jesus Christ does. And so He deserves to be first in our hearts.

When times come that you feel like nobody cares, remember that in this world of rush and changes, one thing will forever be constant: God's Love for us - no matter how unworthy we feel, no matter how flawed we are. He's just waiting for us to come to Him and personally experience His unconditional Love for us.

          *Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  1Corinthians 13:4-7

Commencement

I didn’t know how I’d start this blog. I didn’t want to start this blog in the first place.

Before, my notion of a blog is a time-consumer. I’m just gonna waste my time in front of my monitor, thinking of something sensible to type, typing nonsense anyway, and causing further damage to my 200-200 vision.

Besides, I’ve always believed that the medium for writing is a pen and a piece of paper, not a computer keyboard. So where’s the sense of blogging?

I was answered last Mar. 25, 2011, lunch time. Our lunch table at the office is actually an absorber of arguments, laughter, complaints, news, thoughts, emotions – in other words, of daily chitchats. And today, I have come to realize how simply reading blogs could affect people.

This, alone, led my fingers to commence this no-nonsense. I’ve been writing since age 11. Yes, campus journalism had been my life for almost a decade. It actually consumed 60% (or more) of my student life. And now that I’m obviously at the campus no more and I’m holding a pen and a piece of paper no longer, I guess a computer keyboard is not a too bad alternative medium for my passion.

Some write to impress. Some write just to express. (I’ve also been in that trap before.) But now, I have discovered a whole new purpose for writing: I write to inspire.

There goes the backdrop of how Asterisks began.

In my blogs, expect me to talk about much Love, my joys, my pains, my sorrows – my life.* Expect me to talk about particular events in my life, about some people I have bumped shoulders with, and how they’ve moved me in one way or another. Expect me to talk about fun, about food, about places, about movies. Expect me to talk about what makes me smile and what makes me cry.

And yes, expect me to talk about God – our true and living God. Expect me to talk about my walk with Him, and how He has carried me all throughout this journey of mine.

Expect me to talk about my Asterisks, the beautiful highlights of my life…

*The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. Psalms 23:1-3